


This Love Blooming In My Chest

by MoonlightMuse



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Shironeki | White-haired Kaneki, Tsukiyama centric, implied one-sided Kaneki Ken/Nagachika Hideyoshi, one-sided Tsukiyama Shuu/Kaneki Ken - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 01:55:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9268532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightMuse/pseuds/MoonlightMuse
Summary: Frowning, he coughed a little. And then coughed a little more.  And when the first red petals came shooting out of his mouth, at first he thought it was blood. (Which in retrospect might’ve been better than the truth.)Alternatively: That Shuuneki Hanahaki Syndrome AU that no one asked for.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love and affects the human body system. It makes the patient cough up and vomit flower petals, getting more and more deadly the more time passes. There are two options to get rid of this disease: their crush being requited and their feelings returned, or extracting the flower in surgery. If choosing the surgical process, the flower petals will stop but with it goes the owner's feelings for their love. If no course of action is chosen, the owner eventually dies from suffocation._

  
  
The first time it happened, Tsukiyama was honestly confused. The burning in his throat was unusual, the tickle that followed even more so.

Was he getting sick? _Impossible._ The Tsukiyama genes were superior. Why the last time he had gotten sick was when he was a mere child and under tremendous stress!

And yet, the urge to cough refused to diminish. Neither did the twinge in his stomach that usually came with after eating human food and needing to purge.

Frowning, he coughed a little. And then coughed a little more. And when the first red petals came shooting out of his mouth, at first he thought it was blood. (Which in retrospect, might’ve been better than the truth.)

It was only upon closer inspection did he understand what had happened.

 _‘No…. no it can’t be.’_ Of course he had heard about the strange phenomenon sweeping through the cities when he was younger, had even bragged about how many poor naïve souls he was probably plaguing the Hanahaki syndrome with upon meeting him; but… Tsukiyama Shuu had never in his life expected to feel it himself.

How could he, when he was a ghoul? As much as he loved to spout pretty words of " _l’amour"_ …ghouls like him didn’t fall in love.

And so to satisfy the love he could never understand or hope to feel himself, he replaced it with the love of an unknown delicacy. The love of an exquisite feast like no other… the love of a perfect meal!

It was all the love he could ever hope to feel.

And yet, the evidence was right there blooming in his throat.

Heart pounding, Tsukiyama very slowly unfurled his hastily closed fists to reveal the now crumpled petals. At first he had thought it was the petals from a rose, but no, all his time studying the art of botany and hanakotoba made it quite clear; the petals were much too long and thin. In fact it suited a spider lily much more than a rose. (And it wasn’t like it would take a rocket scientist to figure out who _that_ represented.)

 _‘All this time…’_ He thought with a dizzied shake of his head. When was it that his feelings had taken such a drastic change and how could he not have noticed this sooner?

The ghoul fell to his knees, letting out a hysterical laugh as he wrapped his arms around his stomach. Surely, this had to be some sort of ironic twist of fate. _Surely,_ this had to be karma playing a trick on him.

_‘How could it be… that I’m in love with my perfect meal?’_

But he supposed in a way it all made sense. Because Kaneki Ken was more than just a meal wasn’t he? He admired his strength. His will power. The tenacious way the half-ghoul always _found a way_ , no matter what sacrifices it meant taking to himself. The ability to not let anything stop him. The ability to care so much about things that no one else would.

Not to mention, that Kaneki was beautiful.

An ethereal beauty that Shuu would never be able to reach. Delicate, yet strong. With the kind of mesmerizing eyes that would make anyone want to start waxing poetry over. At times he was so fragile, and yet he was also utterly unbreakable. In a way, Kaneki was like a radiant ice sculpture; the cracks were forming along the edges, but nothing was enough to destroy him. Nothing was enough to take away from the masterpiece he was. In fact one could say those cracked fragments just added to the art. It made him who he was.

And he was everything to Shuu.

 _‘Mon Dieu!’_ Tsukiyama covered his eyes with a laugh. He was screwed, wasn’t he? _‘How did it take me till now to realize… I’m hopelessly in love with Kaneki Ken.’_

 

-

 

The next time it happened, it couldn’t have been at a worse time. He was in front of his dear Kaneki-kun of all things! Thank god he had had the foresight to wear a silk handkerchief in his pocket square. He quickly whipped it out and turned around to cough discreetly into his hand.

It sounded pretty awful though, terrible enough to attract Hinami and even Banjou’s attention.

“Flower man are you feeling sick?”  
  
Tsukiyama smiled at the younger, (yet another person he had truly started caring about once Kaneki opened up his world.)

“Don’t worry about me _Little Lady_ , My throat is simply tired from practicing opera last night. “

The girl’s eyes got innocently wider, “You sing opera?” and Tsukiyama gave a perfectly painted smile in answer.

“ _Oui_. Perhaps we could all go out to karaoke sometime and I can show you! …Kaneki-kun?” The ghoul turned to face his beloved, trying to calm the eagerness in his voice. It had started off as merely an excuse, but… if Kaneki would agree then wouldn’t it almost be like a da-

“No. We don’t have time for things like that.” Came the quick emotionless reply before Tsukiyama even had the chance to finish his fantasizing his thought. “Sorry Hinami-chan. Maybe another time…” the white-haired boy spoke, his eyes only on the girl as if Tsukiyama didn’t exist at all.

The conversation was already drifting away before Tsukiyama even had the chance to recover from the fatal stab to his heart. “It’s okay Onii-chan! I prefer reading anyway. Do you think you could read me the next chapter of your book?...”

 

While the two exited the room, The indigohaired ghoul was left with the crumbling remnants of his plastic smile, and the feeling of someone squeezing his chest so tightly it was as if the organ was being mangled. All too soon the phantom pains of piercing thorns were cutting into his throat and the urge to cough and gag was rising-

With Banjou staring directly at him.

For a moment Tsukiyama froze, his heart pounding as the other gave him a knowing look.

“You can’t fool me…”

At that point the indigo-haired man literally thought it was all over. _‘Dear god No! Please let him not have caught on! I couldn’t bare it if this lug witnessed me in such a pathetic position.’_

And thankfully, his prayers seemed to be answered. For in the next instance, the man was acting as clueless as the idiot Tsukiyama presumed him to be. Grumbling loudly “You really are sick arent’cha? Well I don’t need to have you infecting me or the others. So you just keep your distance!”

He left the room with an unnoticed backwards glance of pity and Tsukiyama could breathe easy again.

 

(Or about as easy as anyone can breathe with several petals lodged in their throat.)

  
  
-

 

After that, it started happening more frequently. Often enough that Tsukiyama had taken to carrying around a handkerchief at all times for the very purpose of catching any stray petals.

But what started off as amusing, soon lost it’s novelty. The “petals” had quickly grown to full blown flowers; the stems poking and scratching the inside of his throat. It was terrifying. And at times he couldn’t even _breathe!_ The stems lodged so deep in his throat he came closer and closer to suffocating each time he was supposed to heave.

He felt weak and dizzy. Always lightheaded, always on edge that the next time he opened his mouth a flower would come choking out.

But that wasn’t all that bothered him. ‘ _Spider lilies... Merde.’_ Of all flowers, why would _those_ be what was chosen to represent Kaneki? If he had any choice in the matter, surely he would have chosen something else. Maybe something white to represent his innocence and purity. Or something unique and black to represent his newfound confidence. But _… spider lilies_ … well that was a cause of concern. He was well-versed in the language of flowers after all.

He had known that Kaneki was far from okay, but was he doing so badly that even the flowers of his soul had taken on a more foreboding symbol?

Tsukiyama couldn’t see it as anything less than a sign of tragedy.

Afterall, this wasn’t a bouquet he was picking for his beloved; this was _Hanahaki Disease._ This was the flower that would quite literally be the death of him

And sure he knew it would be easy to get the surgery. Though expensive, he could book one for the very next day if he wanted.

But… to give up this feeling. This emotion that had filled the emptiness inside of him that he had carried for so long-!

He couldn't bare the thought. This was the first love he’s ever had!

And because of it, it felt like his life had finally begun to have meaning to it. He was no longer bored, cold, or apathetic. In fact, thanks to his newfound love, even the thrill of chasing meals now felt insignificant. He began to actually _care_ about the people around him. And his once cold, gray, world had finally started to fill with colour.

So he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t get the surgery and risk giving all that up. Because losing _this…_ This passion he had long since deemed an impossible dream of feeling… well it would be infinitely worse than death.

 

-

 

It had been 2 weeks now. And he’d taken to keeping the petals whenever he could. Much like the bloody handkerchief he still had hidden in the back of his closet, Tsukiyama liked to look at the red. (It was a prettier shade of crimson than the most sweetest of blood.) And the _smell_ well, the soft teasing florals may not have carried Kaneki’s exact scent, but in a way sniffing the momento’s only helped make him feel closer to him. It was like a piece of Kaneki was apart of him.

It proved that this was all real. A testament that his love was true! He wasn’t just imagining it. And it wasn’t just some strange “obsession”. No, he really loved him. A pure, genuine love. And perhaps that’s why the knowledge that the longer he waited the closer he got to death didn’t really bother him. This was enough. He didn’t plan on ever telling his beloved his true feelings.

And so all this time –every painful cough, every blood-coated petal, every tear-inducing retch- the indigohaired ghoul hid it all. He really thought he was being discreet about it.

So it came as an extreme surprise when the next time he exited the bathroom from puking those haunting plants out, the object of his affection was leaning against the wall waiting for him.

Tsukiyama’s heart pounded and for a disastrous second, all he could think was how horrible he probably looked right then! His skin clammy, his face pale, and his hair no doubly in disarray. -He had just finished throwing up his heart after all!

He was sure his panic was evident all over his face. And in contrast, Kaneki’s expression was cool and unreadable.

“How long.” The younger stated blankly.

Tsukiyama floundered. He could try to play dumb but… there was no point, was there? Not when Kaneki was looking at him with _those eyes._

He gulped, and after nervously running a hand through his hair, murmured the date when it had all started.

Kaneki’s eyes widened in surprise, and then softened to something akin to ‘ _sympathy..? Understanding? But that couldn’t be right… how could he-?’_ Tsukiyama’s thoughts didn’t get to finish because before he could even process what was happening, Kaneki was kissing him. Hard, deep and almost desperately.

Tsukiyama gasped ( _‘Is this really happening?!’_ ) before kissing back just as urgently. Wrapping his arms around the smaller’s body and pulling him close.

Their lips pressed furiously and insatiably, their tongues soon following in the dance, as their bodies molded together in passionate harmony.

And as they stumble backwards into Kaneki’s room, falling onto the bed in a tangle of limbs and sheets, for one blissful moment, Tsukiyama was truly happy. _So, so, happy._ His love was being returned, and all the pain could finally go away!

Except in the aftermath of post-sex glow, while the two were still naked and lying on sticky sheets, staring at each other in a dreamy dazed manner,

Tsukiyama coughed up another flower.

He was bewildered, they both were. And for a moment Kaneki looked more heartbroken then he is- “I’m sorry! I thought I could-“ The younger cut himself off from whatever he was going to say, his expression shuttering closed. “I’m sorry. But you should get the surgery….I can’t give you what you want.” He whispered solemnly.

And Tsukiyama’s heart shattered into a million pieces. He plastered a fake smile on even though it felt like he’d never be whole again. He wanted to ask _why,_ wanted to ask what this night meant to him if he was just going to turn him down. Wanted to ask if he felt what he did when he was kissing him, when they were joining their bodies and hearts as one-! But Kaneki was already slipping out of the bed, (out of his reach!) his slim body leaving Tsukiyama alone on the bed.

Shuu felt numb, his vision going blurry as tears fell on the sheets. He felt empty and hollow…save for that damn flower that he _knew_  was still pumping in his heart. He wanted to find a piano to play and _scream._ Because even now, even with this cruel hurt Kaneki had thrown in his face… he still loves him. With every fibre of his being.

His feelings weren’t so fickle that this flower would be diminished over something like this. No, him and Kaneki… they had a relationship that wouldn’t wane over even the greatest of betrayals. –Ken had taught him that.

The sound of retching snapped him out of his thoughts. He knew it well, considering he had been the one doing exactly that for so long. But… this time it wasn’t him making those noises.

Curious and confused, he pulled on the hastily discarded pants from earlier and padded to the bathroom door. “Kaneki-kun?” He knocked softly. (It wasn’t locked.) And perhaps because of the night they had just shared moments before, he did something he normally wouldn’t have, and opened the door before getting permission to do so.

And that’s when he saw it. The bright yellow of sunflowers contrasting against the white porcelain before it flushes down the drain.

And suddenly it all made sense.

Kaneki understood the pain. Understood what he was going through…because he was going through it himself.

 _“I thought I could move on.”_ Was what the white-haired boy had wanted to say.

But evidently, he couldn’t.

Whoever those bright flowers represent, it's something Tsukiyama could never be.

They both stayed in silence for a moment. Kaneki still sitting on his knees hunched over the toilet, and Tsukiyama standing shocked in the doorway; wanting to say something but for once being completely speechless. In the end, all he could do was turn back around with the intention of closing the door. He shouldn’t have intruded on this moment. ~~He shouldn’t have bothered trying to get his hopes up that Kaneki could ever feel the same way about him~~.

“I’m sorry.” Kaneki rasped, making the taller pause and turn back around to face him. And Tsukiyama could catch the tell-tale sign of tears forming in the half-ghoul’s eyes.

“Don’t be.” Shuu’s voice felt as dry as sandpaper as he said the words he never thought he would. “…I’ll get the surgery.” He swallowed thickly, forcing himself to continue when all he wanted to do was breakdown. “Maybe it's for the best. But for the record… whoever he is… you should tell him.”

Kaneki shook his head. “I can’t… I’ve made my choice. I…chose this life.” _Over the chance of happiness._ Is what goes unspoken but felt audible in the heavy air. “There are still things I need to do.”

Tsukiyama frowned as he knelt down in front of him. His fingers ghosting over the pale skin of Kaneki’s delicate throat. “Then you’ll have to get the surgery too. I can make the phone call and-“  
  
“NO! I won’t do it. It’s… it’s my only good memory of being human. All these years of misery… it’s these feelings that got me through it all! When…when I thought I couldn’t go on, it was Him that gave the strength to continue. He gave me something to look forward to…he gave me _hope!_ And even if it’s only the past couple years that it’s blossomed into an emotion strong enough to trigger Hanahaki Syndrome… I won’t give it up. I don't ever want to forget these feelings or what they've done for me. It's saved me so many times, that its worth it now even if it causes me pain too.”

And Tsukiyama could only feel shock. Not so much that there was someone this important in Kaneki’s heart, not that he was starting to see that he only knew a tiny fraction of Kaneki’s life and may only be a small part of it himself. –But was shocked that this had been going on for so long. Because he had felt so weak after just 2 weeks of this. How could Kaneki have been doing this for months?! For _years?!_ It all started to make sense now. Is that why he always insisted he be alone? Is that why he distanced himself from the group; so that no one would know..?

 “You’ll die.” Tsukiyama whispered in horror.  
  
“And the longer you wait, so could you. Besides…I can’t die yet. Once it’s all taken care of, once everyone is safe. Then…”

“Then _what?_ You’ll go peacefully?!” He shouted back. Tsukiyama hardly realized he was crying. The situation was so surreal he couldn’t believe he was begging Kaneki to confess his love to someone else!

 _“Shuu…_ ” And Tsukiyama wants to sob. Because how dare Kaneki say his first name so lovingly for the first time when he’s telling him something so horrible! “Loving me… it’s pointless.”

“It’s _NOT!”_ Tsukiyama insists. Wiping his eyes as he scrambled to think of anything, _anything at all_ he can say to convince Kaneki to change his mind. To prove that he's wrong. That loving him is _everything._  “If you don’t get the surgery or confess to your beloved then I’ll… I’ll-!” But what can he truly say? Blackmailing won’t do anything. And he was sure Kaneki already carried around enough guilt to last a life time. Why torture him with more? Besides, if there was one thing he knew about Ken, it was that once his mind was made up on something, there was no stopping him from going through with it. Wasn’t that one of the qualities he loved about him? If he wasn’t stubborn, then he wouldn’t be the person he fell in love with. And like a wave of calm suddenly washing over him, Tsukiyama suddenly knew exactly what it was he had to do.

Nodding slowly to himself, he takes Kaneki’s hand, and bends down on one knee. Pressing a kiss to the back of it as if he was a knight proclaiming his eternal service to his king. And when he looks back up into those grey soul-searching eyes, it’s without anymore tears. The only emotions he’s feeling is love and resolve.

“Then I will follow you, until the very end.”

“Shuu…” And this time Kaneki does start sobbing. “You don’t deserve that! You don’t deserve someone that can’t give all his love back to you! You don’t deserve the pain of continuing to submit yourself to this illness!”

“You don't deserve that happening to you either, and yet here we are.” The older says softly, pulling the crying boy in his arms and stroking the back of those silky white locks as Ken cries into his chest.

And Tsukiyama decides to endure. Endure this painful love and carve that pain into his soul until the day he takes his last petal-choking breath.

 

For it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.

 

 

 

-

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ( ╥ω╥ ) hope you enjoyed the angst... haha..ha... *is dead inside* ( ʘ⌄ʘ )
> 
> I'm also over on [x-shironeki.tumblr.com](http://x-shironeki.tumblr.com) if you want to come say hello or fangirl with me (⁎•ᴗ•⁎)♡


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